I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
