I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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