You're my little dorito
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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