i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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