Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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