I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
false alarm, still single
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
