I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
