I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
