Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
