Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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