I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
