Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize