Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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