Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
