Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dicks are not precious.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
