She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
