How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
