that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
