She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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