Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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