I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
