I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
