apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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