You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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