Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
...so i touched it.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
