Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I know her cup size but not her name....
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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