my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
