do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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