Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
