I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
