I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
