bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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