Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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