Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
