If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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