Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize