I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
