Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
