I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
