I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
