Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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