How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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