I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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