Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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