tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
