Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
false alarm. still invincible.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
