Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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