im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
