so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the day after is always just damage control
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
