I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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