the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
