So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
