How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize