OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Ladies don't puke and tell
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
