my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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