Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
