If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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