you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize