apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
