i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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