im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
