This girl is more easily done than said...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize